terminal shoggocity

In the field of Planar Zoology, it sometimes transpires that the experts are faced with a problem that has real life applications, i.e. what would be the effect on a shoggoth if it fell from a height of about 10,000 feet? Would the shoggoth be killed? Would it break, splatter, or just create a large hole? We asked our panel of experts to comment on this sadly neglected area of scientific research.

If the shoggoth is a particularly clever or wise specimen, Lynn Willis of Chaosium suggests that it might "spread itself out to become its own parachute, avoiding a serious fall entirely. So what must first be determined is whether the shoggoth is smart before it dropped out of the plane, or is it just a big, dumb malevolent thing? If the shoggoth cannot overcome its likely fear and consequently smashes as a little frightened ball into the ground at terminal velocity, well, it's dead. The drama fits the crime. Not even a shoggoth is immortal."

Jordan Bassior, internet thinktank, suggests that shoggoths are intelligent enough to deal with such a plummet. "In atmosphere a falling object quickly reaches "terminal velocity" (well over 100 mph for objects of human shape and density), the speed at which aerodynamic lift equals gravitational acceleration. A falling shoggoth would presumably flatten itself out to reduce its terminal velocity (possibly to the point of flying as in the case of the shoggoth-like Vampyr-steeds in author Brian Lumley's universe)."

Professor Bernard Bustoffson, founder of S.P.O.N.G.E., and instructor at Miskatonic University, has a different opinion: "Shoggoths, being of a singularly uncomplicated state of mind, would no doubt have little regard for the fall itself. No amount of shifting, resizing, or aerodynamics will even occur to its gelatinous brain-caste. On the contrary, it will not even really notice the change in its surroundings, and upon impact, will scarcely bat an eye (or several)."

But is this an accurate assessment of a shoggoth's state of awareness? If we are to believe what we are told in H. P. Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness" (and we'd be fools not to), the shoggoths were created by the super-intelligent Old Ones (also known as Elder Things). The Things genetically engineered the shoggoths as beasts of burden, just as they created, for the sole purpose of entertainment, the beginnings of what we have come to consider "native" life on Earth. We must consider, then, that it is very likely that shoggoths and terrestrial life are cast, if you will, from the same genetic mold. It is reasonable to assume that all semi-intelligent life knows fear"it is a basic survival mechanism without which a species suffers to the point of extinction"and must be cognizant of its environs to survive. As to the full extent of a shoggoth's sentience, and its correspondence to what we humans consider "emotion," we are left to wrestle with unknowns (q.v. Zach Desrocher, charter member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Shoggoths). Still, we must assume that, since the shoggoths long ago set a historical precedent by breaking their bonds and revolting against their Old One oppressors, the average shoggoth fosters at least a basic acumen.

That presupposed, a plummeting shoggoth might find itself with a number of options. It may, as noted, stretch its mass into a thin, broad surface, essentially forming a parachute or glider shape to slow its descent. Alternately, the shoggoth may "bud." Mik Clarke, of MIT, brings to light the capacity of smaller creatures, like ants, to survive falls of great distance simply due to their diminutive size and therefore increased resistance to falling injuries. "If a shoggoth learns to survive a fall by breaking itself up into thousands of little, tiny shoggoths (micro-shoggoths - only a few micro-grams each).... you get a cloud of shoggoth descending - maybe 50m diameter by 200m high. Within it the air is saturated with micro-shoggoths."

Bustoffson takes this one step further. "Upon striking the earth at whatever speed its formless mass would reach, the shoggoth would then burst into a plethora of smaller shoggothian pieces. Each piece, however, is still part of the whole, and would continue on its course (whatever that may be- probably something along the lines of "keep moving, keep eating" and so on). As individual pieces come into contact with other pieces, they will reattach in quite a casual manner (a sort of "oh, how nice to see you again, let us continue on to the smorgasbord together").

We can go no farther before we must address the exact limitations of a shoggoth's plasticity. While it is readily known that shoggoths have the ability to form locomotive and tactile pseudopods and even varying sensory apparati from their main mass at a moment's notice, is it reasonable to assume they can perform such feats as separating their body into countless bits, and then presumably reforming, like the Schmoo? If they can do that, then perhaps shoggoths can simply pull themselves together after hitting the pavement at high velocity even if attempts to reduce the impact fail.

"I've never heard of a shoggoth reforming." retorts Willis. "Smashed is smashed, as a shoggoth might say. (They are, ummm, decisive creatures.) As to the implicit question of a high impact generating lots of little shoggoths, nope, won't happen. The Elder Things would have been smarter than that!" Indeed, while it has been established that shoggoths reproduce by budding (Petersen's Field Guide to Cthulhu Monsters), no evidence exists to the effect that shoggoths can multiply at will into numerous proto-shoggoths. John Goodrich (Independent) agrees: "there are probably less than a dozen shoggoths living in modern times. Even old Al-Azrad had never seen one. Aside from the six or so living off the New England Coast, there just aren't that many around. If shoggoths were able to splatter and reform (like the T-1000), then there would be no shortage of shoggoths - ever. Just break off a piece and let it grow - tadaaa! You quickly have two shoggoths for the price of one, plus feeding."

That theory satisfactorily discounted, we are forced to consider the parachute hypothesis. "A straight drop would cause enough hydrostatic damage to seriously impair [a shoggoth], fluid or not," remarks Derek A. Petrey, metaphysics consultant. "Cell walls are only so strong. If the shoggoth avoids being coated by the ice layer in the clouds and turned into the mother of all hailstones, they might have the presence of mind to flatten out or form a parachute. Note that several mentions of a rapidly dissolving jelly fragments have been recorded in Charles Fort's books. Maybe they [broke apart], lost consciousness and died, thus dissolving away."

There are still more considerations. If, intelligence or no, a shoggoth becomes panic-stricken or confused during its fall, it will not flange itself into a parachute form. It may also fail to maintain this form if there is significant muscle/cellular fatigue, or simple lack of dexterity among the specimen. If, on the other hand, all of these conditions are adequately met"intelligence, presence of mind, dexterity and the physical ability to perform the feat"we may reason that it is not beyond the realm of possibility that a shoggoth could spread itself thin enough to glide to safety like some horrific, featureless flying squirrel, and save itself from injury or death from a 10,000 foot fall. More likely, however, the shoggoth would fall victim to the same inherent doom that any wingless creature - mammal, amoeba, or other - inevitably does.

Jason "Knygathin Zhaum" Thompson points out: "aerodynamics would cause it to smooth out into a perfect, raindrop-like sphere as it falls. (It might appear tear-shaped to human eyes, of course, but that'd just be due to the velocity.) I wouldn't expect even this thunderous, cannonball-type collision to have any permanent effect on the shoggoth. These creatures can survive the incredible pressures of the ocean floor, so it seems to me that they'd probably take no serious damage from even terminal velocity, assuming they didn't land on something sharp like a church spire (a very strong one) and inadvertently rip themselves open. 'Stunned' sounds like a good possibility; 'flattened out into a patty-like shape in the middle of an impact crater' sounds like another one. On the other hand, I'm thinking of a pretty rubbery shoggoth here, whereas they might exist in more tissuey, liquescent forms - maybe it has something to do with nutrition."

A more concrete supposal is here presented courtesy of Michael Tice, M.S.: "Stokes' Law gives the drag force impinging on a sphere moving through a fluid at low velocities when laminar flow predominates. Although other researchers (Willis, 1998; Clarke, 1998) have suggested alternative shoggoth descent geometries, I think it is clear that sphericality is the most likely. No doubt we are all familiar with the traditional autonomic reflex of the shoggoth to unfamiliar, distressing and painful stimuli such as sodium hydroxide or the Spice Girls: the shoggoth contracts itself into a ball in order to minimize its exposed surface area. (No doubt the effect of the air during descent would tend to ablate the falling shoggoth into a teardrop shape reminiscent of tektites, but for a first order approximation, the sphere will have to do.)

"Consequently, Stokes' Law gives the drag force as 6 p h rv, where h is the viscosity of the fluid, r is the radius of the sphere and v is the velocity of the sphere. We immediately come up against the problem of determining the radius of a shoggoth. I estimate 5 meters. This is somewhat larger than the only other published value I have come across (Chaosium, 1992). However, this figure probably results from an erroneous reading of the ambiguous primary research: "rubbery fifteen-foot spheroids infinitely plastic and ductile" (Miskatonic University 1930-31 Antarctic Expedition Research Note #3) - taking the fifteen feet to refer to the diameter instead of the more likely radius. The M.U. note goes on to describe the shoggoth as comparable to a subway car, which tends to support my figure.

"A similar question concerning the average density of the shoggoth arises. My own rough estimates put the shoggoth very near to or a little higher than the density as water (1 kg/litre). Consequently, my shoggoth weighs in at a little over five million Newtons. Plugging in the viscosity of air (.019 millipoiseuilles), the equilibrium condition gives a terminal velocity of 2.85 billion meters per second."

"At first glance this seems absurd. And again at second and all subsequent glances. A quick calculation of the Reynolds number in this case (N = 2 trillion) shows that we are well in the region for turbulent flow, and Stokes' Law is as useful for our calculation as a fondue fork is for sexual gratification. The Reynolds number is so large that the drag force cannot even be approximated by the usual velocity-squared law, which would otherwise yield an answer of about 10 thousand meters per second."

"Therefore, we are left with the final tool of the physicist: hand waving arguments. For laminar flow, the terminal velocity increases as the square of the radius of the object. For v-squared drag forces, it increases as the square root of the radius. As higher order terms in the expansion become important, the terminal velocity increases more slowly. Since the shoggoth radius is about ten times a human radius, shoggoth terminal velocity must be roughly two to three times that of a human, on the order of 300 to 500 meters per second."

"That settled - at least tentatively - we must consider the impact. A shoggoth moving with that terminal velocity has a kinetic energy of 40 billion Joules. This is equivalent to the energy released in the explosion of ten tons of TNT. During the rapid deceleration of the shoggoth that takes place upon impact, this energy will all be released. Part of it goes into deforming the ground, part goes into deforming the shoggoth, and part contributes to the kinetic energy of the hunks of shoggoth that are flung about in all directions as it hits the ground like an enormous sack of wet cement. Although I would not entirely rule out shoggoth survival, I confidently predict that it would occur with less frequency than human survival under similar circumstances."

While it is obvious that many powerful scientific minds are grappling with the question of the falling shoggoth, it is clear that further research is necessary - no mean task considering the short supply and high value of the protoplasmic beasts. Were a donated shoggoth's mental state and cellular resilience subject to scientific quantification, perhaps a reliable computer model could be set up for the purpose of resolving this debate.

No shoggoths were harmed in the writing of this article.

THE MILLION FAVOURED ONES

Hi!

I downloaded your screensaver and installed it on my computer. Yesterday I found my boss looking at my screen, boy, was he pissed off. He told me that he cannot believe that I'm really into that kind of stuff. He asked me what it's all about and after I explained him about Old Ones and Necronomicon he said that he's shocked. He didn't speak to me since then. He can't fire me, I'm a consultant so it's a lot of fun. Thanks, folks!

Anthony Genovese, Kansas City, Kansas

I have just purchased the CD Cthulhu Strikes Back! And I have now listened to it at least 20 times! GREAT SONGS! GREAT PLAYING! I am an avid fan of H.P Lovecraft, so this only helped me get into this crawling chaos of sonic horror! I hope the Hillside Thickets are still together? And I hope they have released some more music? I would really like some more info on this band! I hope that you can send me something, anything! A newsletter or whatever! A new fan!

Robert A. Marine, Elcho, Wisconsin

No, I'm terribly sorry, we can't help you.

Dearest [The] Darkest of the Hillside Thickets,

I write to you today in response to the incessant screaming in my head. I don’t know exactly when I first felt their corruptive influence on my life. It seems they have always hovered on the edge of reality, like a dark shadow that chills me completely through. I did some investigating (I bought the Avon Press version of the Necronomicon, some HP Lovecraft collections and Chaosium’s Call of Cthulhu 5th edition), but no solid leads. I then noticed some scaly patches of skin and an odour, which can only be described as indescribable, emanating from my body. I thought perhaps I was a relative of the degenerates of Innsmouth, but after checking with the family doctor, realized it was just a genital fungus. The voices since revealed themselves as minions of Those Outside Who Want In. They promise to stop their malignant wailing if I bow to their demands. They want a copy of Great Old Ones and my immortal soul. I have decided to comply with the first demand, as my attempts at exorcism have all failed with horrible results. Having read in various Lovecraft-like stories, I decided a tattoo of the Elder Sign might cleanse my body of the voices’ insidious taint. Little did I know that that story wasn’t truly written by Lovecraft. The tattoo only made the voices laugh at my pathetic attempt to purge them, and the tattooist was found a pile of ripped flesh and stripped bone. Luckily the police didn’t trace the murder to me. I will order your CD, perhaps it will buy me some time. Most likely it won’t. I imagine they will take me completely, or worse yet, I will surrender to them. I am doomed.

Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle,
Casey Kirkpatrick, Valparaiso, Indiana

Casey, soon your copy of Great Old Ones will arrive in your mailbox. I am proud of you. It will not, of course, assuage the wrath of Those Outside, but rather, it will pave the way to your next level of transmogrification. Do not fight it. Even if you could resist, you would be cheating yourself out of a gift that alchemists, mathematicians, and even saints have been breaking their backs since the dawn of civilization to obtain. To ease the transition, all I can suggest is to open your mind completely. Relax and let the Outsiders do their work. At first their words and actions will seem strange, perhaps even frightening to you, but the bonding of flesh to That Of Beyond is never easy, nor painless. But always remember that you have our full support, and we look forward to seeing you on Sentinel Hill this coming Candlemas.

Thickets,

Just received CSB, and it's pretty cool. However, I was struck with curiosity: what did George Lucas' lawyers think of the logo and the sampling in 'Shoggoths Away'? Personally, I would rather like to see the Thickets' music videos, but I live in the US and thus do not have MuchMusic (or MTV, as we view the TV as an output for the VCR), and was thus wondering whether there existed any plans to sell a tape featuring the Thickets' videos.

Zed, internet.

Well Zed, George Lucas Himself (capitalized due to his deity like status amongst space geeks and pop culture ethusiasts everywhere) didn’t actually contact us. He took the coward’s route and involved several third parties in giving us the hint that we might be in trouble. First, George had his crack team of 20 high priced lawyers (now referred to as "the man" from here on in) seal a deal with a national multiconglomerate for the "rights" to the "images" etc. of the Star Wars trilogy. It’s all confusing legalese that is really some kind of secret handshake amongst the world’s wealthy. Kinda like a Masonic handshake only tougher to repeat. It seems this multiconglomerate (which we will call "the corporation") has its staff of illegal Mexicans working for .05 cents an hour (herein referred to as "the brothers") to find anyone infringing on these "rights" that the "corporation" bought from "the man." Enter SHADIS game magazine. They kindly gave us a free ad (in colour no less) to hock our wares. There also happens to be a Star Wars game (no surprise there) that was featured in said magazine. One of "the brothers" working for "the corporation” and "the man" found our ad with Cthulhu Strikes Back. The “man,” with help from the “corporation,” began hassling SHADIS and slapped them with a Cease and Desist order, which our friends at SHADIS faxed to us. As we, The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets, sat around drinking brandy and lighting our $50 cigars with said Cease and Desist order, we dreamed of a lengthy court case that might go a little something like this:

"Your honour, I call... Han Solo to the stand!"

Yes, we could call the various characters of Star Wars to the stand as character witnesses, and the only words they would utter would be lines from the movies. As for the Cease and Desist order, all it stated was that SHADIS stop running the ad using the image of Cthulhu Strikes Back logo (which arguably resembles the Empire Strikes Back logo). They said nothing about the amazing Chris Woods painting where the band looks like various characters in the Millenium Falcon. They did not tell us to stop making the album (sampling laws allow us to sample a set time without retribution), nor do I think they have heard the album. They did want our address however. Still waiting to hear from "the man" and get our day in court. "The corporation’s" scare tactics won’t work on us. We didn’t make any money from the damn thing.